My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
