She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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