two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
