I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
