Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
