I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
