My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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