Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
