Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
