My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
