I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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