I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize