when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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