ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
