Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
