I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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