winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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