my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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