I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
