I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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