everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
