youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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