Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
is wine microwaveable?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
