I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
