I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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