It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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