Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
