I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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