I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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