I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
hell yes lets make some ravioli
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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