New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
