Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
