I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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