if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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