ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
