I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
