he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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