Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
