This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
