How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
