So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
