I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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