I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
