apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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