Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
