My underwear smells like fireworks.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
