He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
