so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
