did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
