I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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