You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
