now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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